I Ruined Christmas

Yes, I ruined Christmas.

But, let me back up: I hate money or the lack thereof. And I don't think it is the love of money in my case. It's not that I want a lot of nice or expensive things. It's not that I want to buy my way or my friends. No, I don't believe it is a love of money - that root of all evil.

I do hate what the lack of money does to one. It certainly, for one, creates a lot of anxiety about paying the bills, and I'm tired of living with anxiety over finances. Yes, of course, I understand the nature of faith in God and trusting Him to meet my needs, but if I've made choices that have resulted in financial difficulties there are incumbent side effects and that includes the anxiety when the bills begin to mount up faster than the amount in the checking account. And, we don't even want to think too far into the future.

Then, there is the relationship to churches. I want to be able to minister without regard to financial compensation. Unfortunately, when a previous church has not compensated enough to keep up with financial needs, it creates a need to look at that area when dealing with churches. I hate that, so I hate the lack of money.

However, even worse is what it does to relationships. In my case, it has created a tension in my relationship to my parents. They do, I know, want to be helpful, but it does create strain when your parents want to talk with you about money as if you were 30 years younger. And, then the awkwardness when they extend money, as helpful as it is. I do hate the lack of money.

And, then the relationship to one's spouse. It is terrible when the uppermost thought on your mind is (almost) always: what is it going to cost? I am so tired of this feeling. I love my wife. I want to enjoy life with her. I don't like the feeling that I am trying to run her life by questioning every thought, every action, every move with "what will it cost?" Have I mentioned that I hate the lack of money.

And that brings me around to my subject: I ruined Christmas.

I stole my wife's joy. As much as we have been through this year and as much difficulty as she has endured, she in love went and got for me something that she thought I wanted very much. The bright spot of the day was her anticipation of my joyous reaction on opening my gift from her. She was really looking forward to it.

So, we get around to opening the presents and she points out the one for me. I can only imagine what she was thinking as I begin to unwrap it. Then I open the box and pull out the prized item, and ... the first thought that raced through my mind and showed on my face was "how much did it cost"?

I cannot get a "do-over." I cannot go back and erase that picture from her mind. I'm not sure I can even use the gift without her recalling that picture (she has a very good memory).

For my wife, I ruined Christmas and that is not what I am supposed to do. And, I have to tell you that knowing this has ruined my Christmas too. Oh God, please forgive me ...

for I ruined Christmas!

(By the way, if any of you readers have any advice for me, please keep it to yourself. I am beating myself up quite well by myself thank you. And probably the only words that might give me any comfort at all at this point are "you know, I did something stupid like that myself once.")