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Friday, October 01, 2010

Catharsis and Prayer

She was not there, but I was.

11:30 a.m., the time on her death certificate, two years ago on October 1, 2008.

Because of a wedding in the family, I was able to visit the cemetery in Bluefield, VA, on this anniversary of her death. Before arriving, I was not sure what my emotions, my thoughts, would be. But, here I was...

First, cleaning off the marker and throwing away the old flowers: both ours and her mom's. There were no flowers at our site, just a pot full of water and old styrofoam - it had been a while since I had been able to come.

Then, the new flowers came out - her mom's first, then her's.

During this process there was talk, obviously one-sided. And, of course, I knew she was not there. In fact, I don't believe she could even hear what I was saying. God is so good that I know in my heart that He shields her from every hint of the pain and sorrow that dogged her life here on earth. Perhaps if there was something good, He would share it, but I feel that she doesn't know of or feel even my pain, and that is very good!!

But, I talked. I talked about the wedding, about Abby, about me. Whatever came to mind, I just talked.

At times, knowing that only God could truly hear the words, the feelings, the pain, the talk shifted into prayer.

I stayed longer this time, partially because I wanted to be there at that exact moment that marked the time of her earthly departure, but also because the talk came easily. And, even the quietness and solitude felt good.

Near the end of my visit, I just sat on the nearby statuary (a statue of our Lord kneeling and praying in the Garden of Gethsemane before His own trial and death), and just contemplated.

It occurred to me that what I was doing wasn't solving any of the worlds problems; it wasn't even solving any of mine. But, then I thought...most of those problems are really not that important after all - perspective!

It was a good time! Catharsis and prayer! Amen!